Map what actually happens
Not the story about your relationships, the sequence. What triggers it, what you do next, what you are afraid of in that moment, and how it usually ends.
The pattern is not bad luck. It is learned.
Individual therapy for the way you show up in relationships, whether or not you are currently in one. Virtual throughout New York and Vermont, in person in Patchogue.
Book a free consult
Fifteen minutes, free, and nothing to prepare.
Prefer to call or text? 631-371-4888
- Focus
- Attachment patterns, over-giving, jealousy and losing yourself in a relationship.
- Methods
- Attachment based work, Internal Family Systems and CBT.
- Who
- Gen Z and Millennial women, individually.
- Sessions
- Virtual across New York and Vermont, in person in Patchogue.
Insurance & payment
Select New York plans accepted: Aetna, Northwell Direct, UnitedHealthcare and Optum. Vermont clients and anyone out of network are private pay, and a sliding scale is available.
The shape it usually takes
Different people, same feeling, every time.
Most people notice the pattern long before they can explain it. The names change and the dynamic does not, which is usually the clue that something older is running.
- Reading tone in a text for longer than the text took to write.
- Becoming whoever the relationship seems to need.
- Being drawn to people who are slightly out of reach.
- Feeling calmest at the start and least secure once it is real.
- Keeping score of who is putting in more, and never saying so.
- Losing your own friendships and interests inside a relationship.
How the work goes
Understand the pattern. Then interrupt it.
Find the attachment logic
Anxious and avoidant strategies are not flaws. They are strategies that made sense with the people you learned them from, and they are running on old information.
Build the ability to stay yourself
Much of this work is learning to remain a whole person inside a relationship, rather than dissolving into whoever the other person seems to want.
Practice on real conversations
The pattern breaks in specific moments, not in general resolutions. We work on the actual conversations you are dreading.
What this is and is not
This is individual therapy, not couples therapy.
I work with one person on their own patterns. That means you do not need your partner to agree to anything, and it also means this is not the right service if what you need is a therapist in the room with both of you.
Individual work still changes relationships, sometimes considerably. When one person stops running an old strategy, the dynamic has to move, and we prepare for that rather than being surprised by it.
Common questions
A few honest things before you book.
- Can I come if I am not currently in a relationship?
- Yes, and it is often the better time. Working on a pattern without simultaneously managing a live relationship gives you room to see it clearly.
- Do you do couples therapy?
- No. This is individual work. If couples therapy is what you need, I would rather say that at the consult than have you spend weeks in the wrong format.
- Is this about blaming my parents?
- No. Looking at where you learned a strategy is not the same as assigning fault. The purpose is understanding why something is so automatic, because that is what makes it changeable.
- How does this connect to body image?
- Often closely. Appearance anxiety inside relationships, feeling you have to look a certain way to be chosen, and worth tied to being wanted are all common threads between the two.
Related
What else I work on, and where.
- Self-esteem and self-worthThe inner critic, approval seeking, and worth that moves with feedback.
- AnxietyOverthinking, anticipation, social anxiety and physical tension.
- Eating disordersRestriction, food guilt, compensating, and rules that keep multiplying.
- Perfectionism and people pleasingPerfectionism, people pleasing, boundaries and the fear of being too much.
- Life transitionsGraduating, moving, career changes, breakups and identity shifts.
- Trauma and PTSDTrauma responses, hypervigilance, shutdown and the past showing up in the present.
You can work on this without waiting for the next one.
Fifteen minutes, free, whether you are in something complicated right now or recovering from one.
Book a free consult
Prefer to call or text? 631-371-4888
Insurance accepted for select New York plans: Aetna, Northwell Direct, UnitedHealthcare and Optum. Private pay and sliding scale available everywhere, including Vermont.